Bereaved parents share a bond and connection of knowing the agony and enduring the pain of losing a child. We now belong to a club we never wanted to be part of. We have a hole in our heart that will never be mended. We share an unspoken and uncommon bond that we know our life has been changed forever. We understand the pain, agony, void, and heartbreak that will never go away. We have accepted that this will last a lifetime.
When we lose a child, we lose part of our future. There will no longer be the expectations and joy of watching them grow into full adulthood, excelling in their career, getting married and having a child/children of their own, to become a wonderful parent. We miss the grandchildren that should have been born but will never be. An entire generation of not being able to grow into a family has now been altered forever.
Please know that we do not stop loving our child because they are no longer here, in the physical sense. We too, as you do, love our child unconditionally, and this love never goes away. As time goes by, we miss them more; we don’t get to hear their voice, give them a hug or kiss. Because we love our child, we want to talk and share stories about them, just as you talk and share stories of your child. Please don’t expect bereaved parents to pretend that our child did not exist, because they did. We would never ask that of a non-bereaved parent. Please remember that it is not healthy to forget your child, so please don’t ask us to.
The difference now is that our child is in God’s arms and we don’t have any new stories to share. Bereaved parents love their child/children just as much as you love your child. We now have an incomplete family, an empty vacant spot, not only in our hearts but in our family. There is an empty spot for every holiday, family photo, every birthday, and the many milestones we celebrate.
Our culture isn’t prepared, nor are we taught how to handle death or the passing of a loved one, especially the loss of a child. We are often expected to go back to our everyday way of life shortly after the funeral or service. Our life has been significantly changed! We cannot, nor will we ever be able to, go back to how things used to be. When a child is born, this changes our life forever. When a child passes, this changes our life forever. When I lost my son, I felt motionless; walking in circles, like a zombie. I could not eat, sleep, nor focus to speak a complete sentence or paragraph. I love my son every day, every hour, every minute of each day. I will never stop loving my son. Siblings often feel this way, as well. All of a sudden, they have become an only child.
As a culture, maybe we can open our minds and know/understand that the emptiness will never go away. Time doesn’t fill the empty space. The clichés, the well wishes, such as: “It’s time to move on”…. “Stop dwelling”…. “Time fixes all” might be well intended, but they’re not helpful. Maybe instead, family and friends could say nothing and just show their love and compassion. Perhaps, ask the bereaved parent(s) to share a fun or loving story about their child. Together, let’s make a difference to change how our culture grieves by providing more love and compassion and less clichés. Know and except that it is okay for bereaved parents to talk about their child, too!
Deana Hart
If you would like to submit your own letter to be shared on this page, please submit it to: deana@jeffreyhartfoundation.org
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Deana Hart
Founder
Jeffrey Hart Foundation
PO Box 745357
Arvada, CO 80006
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